


They Didn't Teach That in History Class

by Ccroquette



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: American Politics, Hetalia Kink Meme, Humor, Other, sort of historical if you look at it kinda funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:54:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ccroquette/pseuds/Ccroquette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A late-night trip to the darkest corners of the internet unleashes horrors America can't even begin to imagine. Seriously, who writes stories about... <i>that?!</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	They Didn't Teach That in History Class

America sighed and rubbed his eyes, glasses reflecting the glow of the laptop screen. The meeting had ended earlier than expected, and he’d decided to take the extra time to catch up on political coverage, (he needed to be on top of things - an election was coming up, after all!) but after too many hours reading newsfeeds and blogs and tweets and whatever else the kids were calling things these days, it was late, and he was sleepy.

He stared mindlessly at the screen, not paying much attention as he clicked through pages of search results. He really should have gone to sleep by now, but getting up and putting away the computer was so much _work,_ plus the hotel bed was kind of lumpy and he’d only just gotten comfortable. It was easier to just stay sprawled where he was and keep clicking. After a bit more not-really-reading, he began to think of actually going to bed, when one little innocent-looking link grabbed his attention:

_Free Silver : GC/WJB. Because metallism isn’t the only thing that’s bi._

Well, that was… different. He frowned, trying to figure out just what it meant. Maybe a commentary on how society’s changing attitudes towards sexuality also affected opinions of currency standards? Though that still left ‘GC/WJB’…

Intrigued, and mildly confused, he clicked on it.

_\- “The Silver Knight of the West gasped. Throbbing and engorged, he strained against his bonds, and looked up at his great lover and greatest rival, muttonchops atwitter.”_

All right, that wasn’t what he’d been expecting. But hey - porn! Weird porn, but America wasn’t judgey. That name sounded kinda familiar, though…

_\- “the Great Commoner writhed, keening, until at long last the elder statesman took in hand his own pulsating manhood, and whispered, “Let me show you why they call me ‘Uncle Jumbo.’”_

Wait.

What?!

President _Cleveland?!_

No.

Against his better judgement, and almost against his will, America continued on.

_”Yes, yes!” cried the Nebraska congressman, overcome with passion as he knelt in submission before the boots of his mustachioed master. “Take me, Grover! Take me now! Crucify me upon your cross of gold!”_

With a trembling hand, America closed the browser window. He’d had enough internet for one night.

He’d had enough internet for a lifetime. He shut down the computer, stuck it in its case, and stuck the case in his bedside drawer. He considered tossing the nightstand out the window, just in case, but if he got kicked out of the hotel his boss would never let him hear the end of it…

He crawled into bed, instead, jamming a pillow over his head and trying to sleep. 

Unfortunately, as soon as he closed his eyes, he was met with an image of good ol’ Grover… doing _things…_

America shuddered.

He needed to erase that from his head, _now._ He jumped out of bed and practically sprinted to the minibar, which was tragically, sadistically empty. 

Wait! He had the room next to England’s and England always got good and plastered after a long meeting. He grabbed his keycard and, shaking like a leaf, headed next door.

Thankfully it only took a couple knocks before England answered the door, bottle in hand. “America! Come in!” His brow furrowed. “You all right?”

Too shell-shocked for words, America simply shook his head. 

“Ah, watching one of your horror films again, I suppose? Well, don’t worry, my boy, I’m sure it’s nothing a stiff drink won’t fix.”

_Stiff?_

America whimpered.

**Author's Note:**

> Historical notes time! William Jennings Bryan (also known as The Silver Knight of the West and The Great Commoner) was an American politician who was a proponent of bimetallism for currency instead of a gold standard. He's most famous for a speech in which he declared, "You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold!'
> 
> President Cleveland, on the other hand, was a staunch gold supporter. And yes, his nickname really was 'Uncle Jumbo.'


End file.
